i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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