What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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