No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
