Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
