Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
