I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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