I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
