The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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