So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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