she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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