Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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