My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
