i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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