I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
