Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
