You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
