My first STD was from a foam party
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
