I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
