hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
