her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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