You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
how does that bad decision feel?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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