If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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