cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
