hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
