I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
