i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
