So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
