Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
