I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
