I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
