I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
