I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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