so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
