I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
