No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
