What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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