It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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