Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
