I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
