What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
