Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
