I'm gonna have a badass scar
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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