Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
