I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I think i got beer on your cat.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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