In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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