Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
