I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
