I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
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