If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
