If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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