How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
