I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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